he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize