oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
