I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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