im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
