My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Boobs speak an international language.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
