My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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