The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
