I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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