I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
