just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
