my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
