We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
