just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
