Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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