3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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