Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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