I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize