I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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