there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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