dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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