My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
