Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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