there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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