OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I love you. Go after that dick
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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