I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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