I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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