Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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