i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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