connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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