you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
