Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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