Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
