Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
