Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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