I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
