What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
