that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
last night I used snow as a chaser
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