well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My cat gives me a boner
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
