She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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