So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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