I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
