she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
