So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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