I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
