The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
