ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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