im drinking this country out of the recession.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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