everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
