Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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