is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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