On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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