The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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