I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
