I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize