Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
