Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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