im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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