I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
